So, after a really sucky (clinical description) renal biopsy, and a few consultations, I settle on a great doctor at Cedars-Sinai. We discuss Prednisone and I cry. You will come to find that this is my go-to reaction in most situations I find the least bit upsetting and doing so has earned me the self-administered nickname, “The Fragile Fleur.” In case you are not all that familiar with Prednisone (and why would you be?) it is a horrible drug with terrible side effects. Instead of Googling it yourself, I shall sum up what WebMD will tell you: SIDE EFFECTS- YOU ARE FUCKED. It’s everything that can go wrong probably will go wrong and please don’t forget the weight gain AND the side effect known as MOON FACE wherein your whole face just swells into a big circle!!
I am already tragically round, I don’t need to weigh more, but MOON FACE! I just can’t…So, I cry. Fragile Fleur. However, I do have an Ace up my sleeve. I am getting married in a week and even the doc thinks it’s cruel to start me on this med before the wedding as the last side effect I didn’t mention is…psychosis!! Apparently, my labs are good enough to let it go for another week or two before beginning the treatment, so that’s what we agree to do. I am happy. I stop crying, finally.
I slide into the driver’s side of the car and there is only one thing I want to do: blast Black Flag as loudly as my speakers will allow. Machine Gun Kelly. Not too long before I found out I was sick, I saw this amazing show called Roadies, I love all things Cameron Crowe, and my favorite character was Wes. I found out the actor was named Colson Baker a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly. I’m immediately taken back to a group I did at the drug and alcohol treatment center where I work as a therapist. It was a music group and a kid picked a song that was helping him get through his addiction and stay in new sobriety and it was called, “Lead You On” by an artist called Machine Gun Kelly. I had never heard of MGK but was immediately taken with the lyrics and the video-there was so much raw emotion and beautifully voiced struggle in that song.
Now, several months later, I’m struggling and I’m wrapping myself around what Machine Gun Kelly offers and melding what he means to me, especially now in a time of great uncertainty. I often find myself wondering why I am turning to a 27 year-old guy from Cleveland, Ohio when from the outside it would seem we have nothing in common? What is to be gleaned from a stranger in the middle of a storm who is standing somewhere so far away from me in life?
But there is connection to be had and felt and I will be exploring that here…with you.
If I Could Only Bloom 